just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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