God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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