so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
