batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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