After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
