So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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