he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
