Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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