decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
