these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.