yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
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Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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