OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
