the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
