it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
