the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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