Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
