There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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