my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
