FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
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HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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