fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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