Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize