and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
