i was born a porn star she said
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
