Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
