Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
