There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
