i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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