Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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