Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
