he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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