Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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