Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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