just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
