now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
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