Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
