what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
