theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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