Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
