TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
