I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
