so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
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She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
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Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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