i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
