My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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