She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
