We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
