nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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