You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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