i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
