they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
