Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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