jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
