i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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