After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just gift wrapped bread.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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