mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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