I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
